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Posts Tagged ‘illness’

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Over the years I’ve kept this blog, I’ve had a hard time staying consistently present. Unsurprisingly, this is because I feel the pressure to consistently share things that are meaningful. Even if it’s just a short thought or poem, I’ve felt that I need to ensure I’m sharing something of myself to add to another’s day.

Today, I can’t think of a darn thing.

I’m processing the cold germs that have been keeping my son coughing and achey today. The long day of trying to rest together has left me feeling more worn down than recuperated. I want so much for us both to feel completely better tomorrow, so we can enjoy the day. I want to feel PRESENT.

After a pause to sigh, I’m realizing that desire alone is a signal that I’m fighting being sick… again. I think I’ll take my own advice and surrender to the process, so the healing may flow freely without me getting in my own way. Rather than keep trying to hang onto that tiger’s tail, it’s time for me to just let it all go, and rest.

May this serve as Solidarity with you as allow some things to flow more freely for your life, as well.

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perrault_leon_jean_basile_a_mother_with_her_sleeping_child

My little boy is generally very healthy. On the few occasions when he catches something, he is only very mildly ill, and is quickly fully better.

Not so, this week.

Yesterday he had a bit of a cold, and tonight he has coughs and sniffles and a low fever. He’s not used to being sick, but he’s weathering it well. I just pulled out the humidifier, and a diffuser with eucalyptus oil to help him breathe better and get some sleep.

This was another good evening to practice just being there, supportive but not dismayed at the challenge he’s facing nor my inability to simply cure it for him. It’s been a long, complicated day of practicing Active Zen at work, but none of that involved my little boy.

He’ll be fine, though, and I think he’s about to finally rest. I will, too.

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I couldn’t quite figure out why I was so groggy yesterday, and had a hard time focusing.

As with many questions in life, though, the answer came to me at 3am … this time, in the form of an awful stomach-ache.  I’d been coming down with something.

I wasn’t happy to realize I was sick, as of course I had plans on what to accomplish today. But I quickly remembered that sort of resistance wasn’t helping me get well. So I turned my focus on taking care of myself, and I’m getting ready to rest once more.

When mortals are alive, they worry about death.
When they’re full, they worry about hunger.
Theirs is the Great Uncertainty.

But sages don’t consider the past.
And they don’t worry about the future.
Nor do they cling to the present.
And from moment to moment they follow the Way.

– Bodhidharma

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StrongEnoughI have recently been diagnosed with a very-reparable issue with my spine.  I was told that with support and treatment it could be fully recovered within 9-12 months, on average.

I wasn’t happy to hear the news, but I wasn’t upset, either.  I’ve had pain that I didn’t realize was from something that could actually be fixed in a year or less. I’ve lived with frequent (or even constant) pain for almost two decades now thanks to hyperacusis, so that was a welcome idea.

The real reason I wasn’t upset though is that I have already struggled with and overcome other health issues.  My hyperacusis has become much better over the past year, and I am no longer very limited by Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. These haven’t gotten better all on their own.  They have only improved as I improved my own confidence in my ability to overcome, and my belief I was strong enough for the journey.

To turn the corner, I had to accept that I was already strong enough to win out against the challenges I faced. I had to recognize that I didn’t need anybody or anything to fix me, because I wasn’t broken. I just happen to have a body that doesn’t work the same as most others, so it’s up to me to master the skills of living within it. I had to find that space within me that held that strength, that wisdom, and let it guide me forward. After many years of riding a roller coaster of upswings and downswings, somehow I finally learned to hold on to that center.

My helper on overcoming this latest challenge also believes that only we can heal ourselves; medicine just helps us in the process. She reminded me of how often people give up hope before overcoming their challenges, and asked if I might write down some things about how I overcame my own. I didn’t think I really had that much to say, because I can’t really think of things to say that I haven’t already read elsewhere.

That said, I do remember being helped by reading of others’ journey, and also that I tend to discount my own road as being pretty day-to-day, as it happens to be the one I’ve spent my days in. So I’m going to shrug at myself, and see if I can’t try to share some things about what I’ve faced, and how I’ve overcome.

I think I’m strong enough for that. 🙂

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It seems I’ve fractured my little toe. I banged it against a table a week and a half ago, and it’s still just a little bit swollen and gets tender when poked a particular way (not on purpose). So I’ve been staying off it, keeping it steady, and letting it heal.

As I was assessing its progress today, I realized I was imagining a fracture in my toe, and hoping it heals away soon. It then struck me that wasn’t the best way to visualize things. Rather, it would be more helpful to visualize a healthy, strong little set of bones functioning perfectly as a tiny part of a vibrantly balanced and harmonious whole.

Shifting my focus to the health and balance I would like to enjoy helped me feel a little bit closer to that state. I remembered to relax my shoulders, breathe a little deeper, and calm the electric storm of my mind. I then heard my mind tell me, “Healing isn’t the absence of disease, it’s the presence of health.”

I’m now taking a moment to feel that presence of vibrancy and life. Breathing it in, I feel more present, myself.

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The other day, I skipped posting because I had suddenly come down with a very bad cold/flu/ish thing. I wasn’t thinking very clearly, and just wanted to rest.

Actually, I had wanted to be available for a work project I wasn’t feeling prepared to hand off just yet. I left work a little early to try to rest up and stave off what was coming over me, in hopes I’d be able to get back to it.

So I was a little annoyed as I was walking out to my car, wishing I could just wish myself well. I then realized perhaps I should just practice that as my moment of zen, and ask myself what I most needed to accept about my situation so I could make peace and move on.

I then looked down on the sidewalk and saw there was a small screw dropped right where I was stepping. A rusty one, at that.

I laughed at how life tends to answer my questions, and felt better already.

Emotionally better, that is.  It took me until last night to feel physically better, and I’m still taking it easy!

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The apple is red and crisp
Promising to lift my malaise
I do not feel I am hungry
Yet I know I should eat

I think of the apple’s myth
Granting us the first bite of knowledge
I do not feel wisdom’s lacking
And I know that means it is

For I know we are in the dark
When we most believe we can see
For though the bite can be bitter
The fruit of knowledge must be consumed

Beware the cries of the blinded
Who call Evil to those who would Know
For a mind and heart that is open
They alone can know and choose Good

So perhaps we should eat
When we do not feel hungry
Let wisdom heal and lift our malaise
The apple is red and crisp

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